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I Need To Leave This Place.

Posted on 2012.05.09 at 21:57
Current Mood: crappyCrying
Tags: , ,
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I Never

Posted on 2011.10.07 at 17:12
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: "I Never" -- Rilo Kiley
Tags: ,
I'm only a woman
Of flesh and bone
And I wept much
We all do
I thought I might die alone
But I had never(x11) met you
So baby be good to me
I've got nothing to give you, you see
except everything, everything, everything, everything
All the good
And the bad
Cause I've been bad
I've lied, cheated, stolen, and been ungrateful for what I had
And I'm afraid habits rule my waking life
I'm scared
And I'm running in my sleep
For you
But all of the oceans and rivers and showers will wash it all away
And make me clean
For you
Cause I had never(x15) met you

So let's take a loan out
Put it down on a house
In a place we've never lived
in a place that exists
In the pages of scripts and
the songs that they sing
And all the beautiful things
That make you weep but
Don't have to make you weak

Cause I never(x27) loved somebody
The way I loved you.

I Wish I Knew

Posted on 2011.07.29 at 15:35
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: "I Wish I Knew" - Sharon Van Etten
Tags:
I wish I knew what to do with you,
But the truth is I ain't got a clue,
Do you? Do You?


I wish I had an idea of what I need,
But we, oh we, can't know and that's okay,
That's okay.


I wish you'd understand,
I wish that I could know,
The truth is I have no idea.


I wish we could just run around
And only worry about right now,
I hate to admit it but I don't know shit
And neither do you, do you, do you,


And that is good enough
For me, for you, for now,
As long as we can talk about it.




It's not good enough anymore.


Remember?

Posted on 2011.04.22 at 13:54
Current Mood: moroseVoid
Tags: , , , , ,
Remember the Buddy Holly glasses that caught my attention initially?  
Remember our first phone conversation?  
Remember how I postponed that conversation because my voice was hoarse?  
Remember how you told me that my cursing was "endearing"?  
Remember the plans we made to go to a museum, wine tasting, and have Italian for our first date?  
Remember the first two musicians you ever showed me?
Remember the day you decided to take a chance on someone you'd known four years prior instead of me?
Remember the day you told me you "made the wrong choice"?
Remember the first time we met?  
Remember how I cried the first time we met?  
Remember playing drunken L4D & Guitar Hero on your projector together?
Remember my first attempt at popping popcorn on the stove and some caught fire?
Remember when we decorated your Xmas tree with Big Lots decorations & a Starbucks ornament?
Remember the first time we kissed?  
Remember how long it lasted?  
Remember when you kissed me and told me, "I might not get this chance again"?  


  Remember that crazy black woman who spit at me while we were walking down the street in Pasadena?  Remember when we went to the Chinese New Year festival on a whim & absolutely hated it?  Remember when we drove around your neighborhood trying to steal a wifi signal for you to use so you could send a work file to KEarth?  Remember when we almost beat Jurassic Park on SNES but while you napped, I accidentally tripped over the power cord & all our progress was lost?  Remember drinking margaritas at 9 am?  Remember when you threw spaghetti in the air during "spaghetti time"?  Remember all the times I've laughed at you for making that same face in the mirror?  Remember when you threw a pound of strawberries onto the street & Alhambra smelled like strawberries for an hour?  Remember when we bought your new TV & spent the day watching movies on it?  Remember drinking & playing games at D&B & not wanting to see 'Avatar' but to continue playing games instead?  Remember when I accidentally broke your side mirror?  Remember when you did a somersault and your foot made a hole in the wall?  Remember the horrible, half cooked pizza we made for NYE '10?  Remember laughing so hard we were crying while playing Golden Axe 3?  Remember when you punched that van with your fist?  Remember spilling whiskey in my purse on the way to a show?  Remember you throwing poppers at the shower while I was in it?  Remember when we were driving in front of Brian Brown & you were throwing pennies at his windshield?  Remember every time we blew a foghorn at a person passing by your house?  Remember having to fix the rolled down window on the BMW & it taking an hour to do at midnight?  Remember when we sketched out the characters from 'Jurassic Park' while watching the movie?  Remember when there was an earthquake & you rushed up & told me to get up & I just sat on the floor and laughed at you?  Remember when we found a gigantic stuffed dog on the side of the road, later to be "Lynchoe"?  Remember when we stayed up late watching almost the entire series of 'Spaceballs: The Animated Series' & various Addams Family episodes?  Remember when we improved the way people looked in photoshop from HotorNot.com?  Remember when we played the drinking game to 'True Blood' every time someone said "Sookie"?  Remember the dancing macaroni I drew on your butt?  Remember the bulls-eye you drew on my left tit?  Remember when I actually saw a centipede at your house & refused to leave my shoes outside?  Remember dancing like a "Jew" & a "black" at Lori's?  Remember our "eventful" Pasadena wine tasting day/night?  Remember spending an entire morning in bed watching Huell Howser?  Remember when you mooned the cars driving by your house from your front door?  Do you remember where you put your giggles at?  Remember walking around the grocery store with a whoopie cushion, farting it at every passing person & having to control our laughter?  Remember when you greeted me at the bathroom with nothing on but a plastic grocery bag?

 
Remember the first time we made love?  Remember how insatiable we both were?  Remember when you made me my first ever breakfast in bed?  Remember the heart you drew in my palm with your finger while we watched the play "Nevermore"?  Remember having champagne in your backyard by your fire pit at night?  Remember baking Christmas cookies while drinking wine & slow dancing in the kitchen to Billie Holiday on vinyl?  Remember how many days and nights I used to spend with you?  Remember having delightful conversation, wine, and cheese in your kitchen while it rained outside?  Remember when I came over wearing no panties?  Remember embracing & kissing each other during a late DTLA night as the metro passed; the wind blowing past us?  Remember asking me what color I preferred so you could buy me my own comfy blanket in that color?  Remember us laying into each other on your couch during a rainy night, as you read out of & explained to me your film/Academy Award winners book?  Remember when you gave me my birthday gifts of GOW2, a sketchbook, & a manatee plush?  Remember when we spent Christmas together? And New Years?  And Valentine's Day?  And Easter? And two of your birthdays?  Remember all those stickies I put on your door that each had something I loved about you?  Remember how I used to stay up all night and talk with you on AIM during your night shifts?  Remember when I gave you my fortune cookie fortune?  Remember when we almost had sex in the back of a cab?  Remember the 7 hour phone conversations?  Remember the little note I left you in your wallet before you went to Chicago?  Remember when we stayed up till 7 am talking/cuddling/play fighting in your bed?  Do you remember any of the many, many AIM convos I've saved?  Remember when we thought we broke your headboard?  Remember all the pieces of gum we used to stick on the side of your bed?  Remember when you drew me that elephant holding a fortune cookie?  Remember when you started calling me "Smiles" because you loved my smile so much & "Jenn Jon"?  Remember the long bus rides back from shows with my head on your shoulder, and your kisses on my forehead?  Remember slow dancing in the dark in your living room to Billy Joel?  Remember when I drove to your work to bring you Goldfish, a Rockstar, and an apple you never ate?  Remember when I was having a break down and you drove out to Palm Springs to pick me up so I could get away for a few days?  Remember the night we got high, listened to Dylan in the dark, wrapped up in each other on your couch?  Remember when you mailed me two dollars that you defaced (that I still have) so that I could buy a clown cone?  Remember when you were having a difficult day and I called you all the way from Switzerland so we could talk?  Remember when you made me chicken noodle soup because I was sick?

 
  Remember when you told me, "I can't lose you again"?  Remember when I told you that you had already lost me & you broke into a cold sweat right there & then, on the phone?  Remember how we both held back so much?  Remember those long letters I wrote you?  Remember when you told me you don't believe in "soul mates" but I made you believe the concept?  Remember when we talked every day?  Remember when you told me, "I'd be an idiot not to end up with you, huh"?  Remember when I told you why the song, "Here We Go" means so much to me?  Remember the fight where you called me a "conniving cunt" that ended in us both in tears?  Remember when you told me you thought we would have beautiful kids?  Remember when you told me, "I have never needed, missed, or loved anyone more in my life than you"?  Remember when there was no animosity or bitterness between us?  Remember when you "anonymously" said, "You're simply one of the best things to ever happen to me"?  Remember the way you used to make me feel?  Remember how you told me, "You make me question everything"?  Remember how I used to get butterflies every single time I walked up to your door?  Remember when you gave others the chance to fail or succeed with you and not me?  Remember when you held my face in your hands, as makeup & tears streamed down my face & you told me how beautiful I looked?  Remember when you would call late at night and ask me why weren't we together?  Remember when I had that horrible cough & as you left for work, we held/kissed each other & you told me how much you loved me & how you would take care of me when you got home?  Remember all the road trips we planned and never went on?  Remember when I told you how much I miss YOU?  Remember when I told you I have to accept that things are different now?  Remember when I gave you the key to my heart?
Remember when I thought you were "the one"?  



I do.

:(

Posted on 2011.03.02 at 15:51
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Voyager - Daft Punk
There is a true sadness in my soul ...in my heart, that makes me almost wish I had never met you.


What a thing to say.


MMXI

Posted on 2011.01.15 at 09:30
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Trane
Tags:
I looked in the mirror today. I think it was the first time I really noticed a change in my body.  Not to say I haven't noticed a significant change already because that's obvious but I don't know.  It was as if I had looked in the mirror for the first time.  I suppose it sort of makes sense.  I was avoiding mirrors quite often in the past month and some because I was so depressed about so much.  I just didn't care. 

I feel better.  About a lot of things.  I wish I felt that way about all things but I know in time, it will get there.  I made the conscious decision to change my mind and my way of being last month and I have been sticking with it.  I've been meditating, writing, exercising, eating "better" (which means not really eating a lot), and really focusing on a better mindset for the times.  Life has changed up and down so drastically in these past years, that I can rarely say many worthwhile things have happened.  All I can recall is the negativity.  But in the grand scheme of things, one knows that no learning ever comes from happiness.  It is sorrow and suffering that gives Life it's lessons to be learned and gets your attention.  I have paid my dues for any wrongs I have committed and then some.  I have learned much about myself, my family, and those I have chosen to surround myself with.  I have kept a record on these things.  I remember everything, whether people think I do or not.  There is no questioning that these past trials have changed me.  I have yet to determine if these changes are for better or for worse but I can say I am the wiser, either way. 

People have come and gone. I expected that.  People have stuck around.  I didn't expect that.  Some interesting events are to transpire within the year.  I am certain this will be the year of my REINVENTION.  Toffer, on a particularly awful day for me, told me that it was okay to take a break from the world.  That when such times came upon him, he reinvented himself.  I thought a lot about that word over countless, sleepless nights.  Reinvention.  Re. inven. tion.  I want to do a piece about reinvention in the future.  In fact, there are a lot of things I intend on doing in the future.  There are already new opportunities and people presenting themselves in a welcoming manner to me.  This excites me.  I NEED that.  I need fresh blood, new faces, distinct and wonderful places. 

"You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

 
I pine for the times yet to be had.  The past is the past.  And as far as I am concerned, I left all of those feelings, loves, tragedies, mistakes, etc... right there.  I'm moving forward without any of that.  My compassion and love is reserved for those who have truly earned it.  Who have shown me that they can handle it.  That they deserve it. 

I feel good.  And optimistic.  It's been awhile.


<33

You can go home, the show is over.

Posted on 2010.12.21 at 19:04
It's the truth.

Love Is Gone

Posted on 2010.11.21 at 14:11
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Love Is Gone / Black & Gold (DJ Hero 2 remix) -- David Guetta
Tags:
Now that the love is gone

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone?

Love is gone

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone?
There is nothing left to prove
No use to deny this simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone, love is gone

Now that the love is gone, what felt so right's so wrong
Now that the love is gone

I feel so hurt inside, feel so hurt inside, got to find the reason

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone ?
There is nothing left to prove
No use to deny this simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone, love is gone

Got to find a reason, got to find a reason,
Got to find a reason to hold

Love, there's nothing left for us to say, yeah
Love, why can't we turn and walk away?

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone ?
There is nothing left to prove
No use to deny this simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone, love is gone

Rehab

Posted on 2010.11.21 at 13:23
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: Rehab -- Rihanna
Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it

And all of a sudden
you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock
That spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh
You're the reason
Why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on
These cigarettes no more
I guess that's what I get
For wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
Cause now I'm using like I bleed
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn,
Ain't it crazy
When you're loveswept
You'll do anything
For the one you love
'Cause anytime
That you needed me
I'd be there
It's like
You were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way
That I was using you
But now that I know
That it's not meant to be
You gotta go
I gotta wean myself off of you

Sometimes, The World Notices...

Posted on 2010.09.03 at 21:40
Current Mood: blankblank
Tags: ,
I have a story to tell. This is not a personal journal, this is an art journal, but it was such a significant experience in my life at the moment, I had to share.

I walked to the park by myself today. I brought a book I recently bought called, "Creative License: Giving Yourself Permission To Be The Artist You Are". It's one of the most brilliant and inspiring books that I've ever read. I sat in the park in the disgusting heat and just became absorbed in it. I read for about an hour and 25 minutes or so until I decided I should get something cool to drink. I walked to Starbucks, got a beverage, sat down and watched people for a bit. "Stop to learn, learn to stop", as the book says. After a bit, I got up and decided to go home. I walked a bit down the street, minding my own business when I saw this little old man approaching me. He must have been about 5'4 - 5'3, ethnic, gray hair peeking out from under a navy blue baseball cap, walked like a penguin, and was sporting a light blue and white striped t-shirt. I payed no attention, really. All of a sudden, he gently touched my arm and took me by serious surprise. I looked at him, probably in a very defensive manner, and he very kindly said,

"I can see the pain and sorrow in your eyes. Don't worry, it's ending soon. I promise."

And he went on his way without so much as even a second look. My heart was racing. I was so taken aback. I just stood there and stared. I was literally speechless. He left before I could muster anything out or even give a facial reaction beyond a gaping mouth or stunned look.

For that split second where he stared me in the eyes and said those words, I wanted to burst into tears & hug him with all that I was.

I wont ever forget him. Whoever you are... thank you.


<33


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